The Environment

Between the three day period of temperate weather in Cincinnati known as "spring" and the free for all retard fest known as "The 'EBN Fireworks, Dude" there is Cincinnati Summer and...it sucks.

It is Mexico City on the Ohio River. It is a crockpot full of shirtless fat Germans stewing in their own chunky toxic humid fumes. It is pollution that has been trying to rise above the valley since the mid 1970's. It is companies all over the county paying off crooked politicians to keep releasing shit into the air, and those politicians continuing to get elected because Cincinnatians hate dark people and homos more than they like to breathe.

Though it may be impossible to inhale during the summer, make no mistake, Cincinnati sucks.

The New York Times

So, how can a New York Times travel article that raves about Cincinnati lend credence to the theory that Cincinnati Sucks?  Easy enough.

1.  Their favorite Cincinnatians are dead.

2. Northside doesn't count.

3. See above.

4. No one goes to the ballet.

5. The bridge is only cool because it leads you out of town.

6. Cincinnatians hate the Freedom Center.

7. Newport is in KY.

8. Playhouse in the Park will soon be a victim to Mt. Adams erosion, and slide down the hill into the bus terminal.

9. See #7

10. The city's relationship with OTR is one of the biggest reasons Cincinnati sucks.

11. They were bought off by free tea.

OK?

Also, please note that 36 hours in Cincinnati is only long enough to get a whiff of the suckatude.

Kahn's Hot Dogs: A Haiku

Get yer Kahn's Hot Dogs!

Screamed the man at the Ballpark

Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck

Fireworks

People in Cincinnati believe that fireworks should be set off from the middle of June to the middle of July.  This is not to celebrate the independence of America from the British, it is to celebrate the fact that they suck.

"Boom, I suck!" cry out their fireworks, well past the point anyone with any sense would enjoy them.

I think they all pile in their cars and head to Tennessee for the fireworks.  There are any number of places to get fireworks now that do not involve a trip to Tennessee, but Cincinnatians still head there because it is tradition.  They also use the opportunity to go to a state with relaxed laws regarding marriage. 

For weeks, I-75 is filled with sucky Cincinnatians driving their suck mobiles in the south bound passing lane at 63 MPH.  They get to Tennessee, eat lunch at Bob Evans, Applebees, or Fridays and then block traffic north for four hours as the separation anxiety from leaving their sucky city begins causing pains in their sucky souls.

Then, they get home and start setting off their fireworks.  They bought too many, so the setting off goes on for about a month.  They take frequent breaks from setting off the fireworks, pausing to sit around and suck for a while, and occasionally to watch videotape of the 1987 labor day fireworks, when their friend was captured on TV, pumping his fists in the air, sticking out his tongue and yelling "Whooo!" while standing behind Norma Rashid.

"WHOOO!  BOOM! I SUCK!!!! WHOOOOOO!"

LaRosa's Pizza

There may be places to eat in Cincinnati that don't suck.  Chances are, those are the places that are empty because sucky Cincinnatians are packing into places that suck to eat sucky food.

Pizza is the measure of a town.  New York City, in a slice, is large and steeped with flavor and tradition.  The kings of NYC pizza got to their throne via hard work, dedication and talent.  Chicago pizza, in a slice, has broad shoulders.  It is hearty and fills the soul.

Cincinnati pizza, in a slice, is wrong on every level.  LaRosa's crust comes in never quite all the way cooked 'pan style', overwrought cardboard without the flavor 'original', or 'hand-tossed' which combines the qualities of the first two with the additional mind picture of a Cincinnatian's grubby mitts handling it.

The sauce is sweet, but much like the Cincinnati attitude, it is a phony kind of sweet.  A sweetness that sticks around for a millisecond before assuming its actual purpose of giving you heartburn.

The toppings are either too greasy, not greasy enough, overcooked or undercooked, depending on what your sucky Cincinnati host orders for the entire sucky office.

World's Largest Recirculating Pool? WTF???

Oh my does Cincinnati suck.  Suck suck suck.

The people of Cincinnati love to spread lies.  Their favorite lie is, "Cincinnati does not suck." 

Another favorite is, "Sunlight Pool is the World's Largest Recirculating Swimming Pool." This is a great lie because no one else in the world is trying to lay claim to the title.

The sucky Sunlite Pool is located in the sucky surroundings of Coney Island. No, not the real Coney Island, this is a Coney Island that ripped off its name from the real Coney Island.  It is easy to distinguish which Coney Island is which, because the one in Cincinnati is the one that sucks and lies about its pool.

The word "recirculating" sets off all kinds of alarm bells in the head of any normal person as to what the hell this record is supposed to mean.  Does this mean that there may be larger pools in the world, but their water sits stagnant?  

Because Cincinnati sucks so much that it isn't worth more than three googles to prove any one sucky point, I'll just state a couple of facts to prove this lie.

Sunlite pool measures 200 feet wide and 401 feet long.  According to the Coney Island website, there are over 3 million gallons of water circulating in the pool at all times.  I believe the gallons calculated must also include atmospheric moisture.

There is a pool in Chile that measures over 1000 YARDS long (that's 3000 feet for you Cincinnati schooled types), it covers 20 acres and holds 66 million gallons of water.  That is a larger pool. But, does the water recirculate?  Well, it uses a computer controlled suction and filtration system to keep the water permanently circulating.

But, does it 'REcirculate'?  Who the hell cares?  Why do you want your water to REcirculate? Sunlite pool water is fouled by the lying suckwad Cincinnatians who swim in it, their sucky children who pee in it, and then that water is recirculated back around everyone, creating several million gallons of pee-suck-stew.